Super Mel & Hoytie Toity

South Bend Roller Girls: Against the Wall

Last Thursday I woke up at 4:30 AM and began the 3 hour drive to Mishawaka, IN. Once there I ate a handful of Kix, watched a girl get highlights at a Catholic school, napped while watching Rosemary’s Baby, and made somewhere in the neighborhood of 30-40 girls fall in love with me.

I was in town for the first ever bout of the South Bend Roller Girls roller derby league. I had three prime directives.

  1. Photograph all Roller Girls
  2. Ensure that all Roller Girls enjoy being photographed
  3. Have massive amounts of fun myself

Mission Accomplished.

Here are some of the ladies I shot.

1.MzB’Haven Beaver & Ginjure Ail – The Lady on the right played cards with and was very nice to me. That cements her as one of my favorites of the day. The lady on the left seemed slightly frightened of me. She was ultra hot though so I forgave that. Besides, she should be frightened. I am dangerous.

2.Honey Hot Wheelz – Cute as a button. All red haired with “BAM” on her ass. Earlier in the day she told a story of her wedding night that was… detailed. At least, I think it was her. To be honest I had gotten up that morning at 4:30AM having only had two hours of sleep and I was on the 6th hour of that morning’s 5 hour energy so really it could have been anybody who told that story.

3.Hoytie Toity – She was my first Facebook friend from this group. So she will always have a special place in my heart. Also, GOD DAMN is she hot! At the after party I saw her from across the room showing off her hardbody to a handful of lucky lucky individuals. It was depressing hot. It was like watching the moon reflecting off Pacific waves and realizing that this is the kind of beauty that poets have been trying to capture with words since the very moment words were invented. And you start to cry a little and wonder if that’s the acid you took or the stunning beauty before you. I decided it was the beauty and ate another orange. Orange like her perfect hair.

4.Elbow Nita – She had my favorite name of the day. Brock O’Bomber was a close second but Elbow Nita is genius. For those of you who don’t speak Spanish “El Bonita” means “the pretty”. You see?! It incorporates two languages! That’s a multicultural pun. That’s a pun that can only be forged in the Melting Pot that is these United States of America. Also I liked how flirty she was. That was treats.

5. Super Mel & Hoytie Toity – I’m told that if this happened during the bout it would be called “White, 1 – 0, back blocking, major!”. There would also, if my sources are correct, a penalty for “gross misconduct”. I would like to do things to both these girls that would be considered misconduct. Coincidentally those things would also be very gross.

6. Polly Armory – I think the first time I met her she told me that a lot of people don’t like her at first. I reserved judgment until a later date. After this whole experience I can say without a doubt that I like her. She’s funny and energetic, a blast to photograph. And check out those legs. C’mon. How can you consider yourself to be a shallow person like I do and not give a girl with those legs at least 8 chances to make a good impression? She only needed 1 and a half.

7. Captain Beefstock – She was serious. She was the only one who brought a mirror over to adjust her makeup on set. She was focused and ready when she stepped in front of the camera. And when she stepped in front of it I felt her through the viewfinder. It was a heat so intense it dried my contact lens a little. I mean no disrespect here. Because I’m almost certain that if I did disrespect her she would hunt me down and do awful things to me. But I get the feeling that Captain Beefstock is the kind of girl that goes to summer camp and hooks up with the hot counselor. Forbidden fruit. Only she’s not Eve. She’s the snake.

8. Thrasha Nova – I also played cards with Thrasha Nova at Thanksgiving. We were on opposite teams. We had different ideas of what the rules to the game should be. And we are both smart asses. We fought. We butted heads. We belittled each other in clever ways. It was so hot. I spent most of the bout winking at her and then tweeting about it.

9. Dewey Decimaul – She epitomized the typical reaction of the girls to the camera. She didn’t know if she wanted to be photographed. She grudgingly agreed. She said she didn’t know what to do in front of the camera. Then with no direction, did amazing things in front of the camera seconds later. She asked me if her hair looked okay. It was the best hair in the building.

10. Kila Joules – The absolute cutest shot of the day. She didn’t talk. She wasn’t comfortable. But she is one of those lucky bastards who’s cuteness increases the more uncomfortable she gets. I wish I were a sculptor so that I could make a tiny statue of her then mass produce it and make millions selling her as a key chain. I think America would love to literally pick this girl up and put her in their pockets.

11. Hannah Bull Lecter – I’ll admit it. I was a little bit fixated on her all day. First off, she looks like a girl that I have had a continuous crush on for the better part of a decade. And actually “crush” doesn’t describe it properly. I had platonic sleepovers with this girl. I bought her nipple rings. We schemed revenge plots and talked shit constantly. We told each other everything. I gave her the self confidence to be a huge slut. Then I cried myself to sleep every night because she was such a huge slut. So me and this girl that Hannah Bull Lecter looks like, we’ve got gallons of history and emotional stuff. It only stands to reason that a few drops of that would transfer over to Hannah. Hence fixation. But that wasn’t the only reason. I was also fixated her because he had the best ass in the building. I’m serious. Afterward I told Mel that I should write her a thank you note.

12. Star-Cross’d Shover – After the shoot she told me that I really made her feel sexy. That’s kind of funny because she was clearly in the top two of sexiest in the building. She hopped up there and started hitting angles and shit like America’s Next Top Model. She was like one of those fire bombs that sucks all the air out of a room. Only she was just pulling the air from my lungs. I had to sit down afterward.

13. Sinister Strike – My friend Elwin used to have a shirt that read “I <3 Hot Moms”. It was a stupid shirt but it spoke the truth. Hot moms are the absolute crisp. And this lady here is undoubtedly one of the hottest. Oh the things I would say about her if her kid wasn’t standing there… looking at me. making me feel guilty for my own thoughts. I mean, I wasn’t going to do anything. I was just thinking. I can’t help it. It’s what I do.

All kidding aside that kid was like ubercute. He is Nietzsche’s Uberkid. He is the Platonic Ideal of what a kid should be like. He made my picture. Along with his hot mom.